Here’s the story of “On the news, a family dies…”

Two years ago we took our whole family (9 of us all together – 7 kids, 2 adults) to Bison Ranch, Arizona for vacation.  One afternoon we drove to a nearby mountain to go on a hike to a beautiful vista that promised us an amazing view.  It was hot but overcast, which was nice so the temps would stay down.  We parked in a lot and set off on the paved hiking trail, ready for fun and adventure.  As we hiked, the sky darkened, but we were determined to get to the vista, and pressed on.  The sky got even darker and soon we felt the rumble of thunder and saw some distant flashes of lightning.

We were almost there.  Go forward?  Head back?  What to do?  As we were standing there trying to decide, a bolt of lightning struck the ground right in front of us, and to say we were scared would be a slight understatement. We decided the fastest way to get back  to the saftey of our rubber tired car, was to send my husband and 17-year old back for the car (the trail was right next to the road) and the rest of us would try to find a low lying ditch to take cover in until the cavalry arrived.

Those of us left behind to cower in the dirt, tried to keep ourselves distracted by taking turns telling  funny jokes  and stories. Finally,  it’s my 7-year-old son’s turn.  He gets a serious look, and in his deepest newscaster voice says,

“On the news, a family dies…”

He caught us completely off guard and for about 2 seconds we were shocked, but then we all burst into laughter and it was the best distraction of them all.

At the risk of making my family sound like a  bunch of complete idiots, here are a few of my fav vacation quotes:

If those were my kids, I’d drop them off at jail.

Native American?  You mean black?

You know how some people smell like horse poop?  They were those.

Mom, please help me not to spend money!  I don’t care if I cry!

We just got punked by Disneyland.  Where’s Ashton?

I smelled that on the internet.

My life is a workout.  I do crunches while I walk.

It kind of smells like a book…or a fart…I’m not sure which.

I talk so fast that I say what I’m gonna say before I say it.

What’s Disneyland’s policy on public urination?

Do ribs have bones?

I have cheeto ashes up my nose.

Mom, can you shut your crack-heads up cause if they turn the speakers up any louder the crap’s gonna blow.

Let’s play the Chinese name game…I’ll be Pablo.

Living with my family is like living with a pack of wolves.

Arizona makes me fart.

This is an emergency…I’m growing a mullet.

Mother!  Don’t use appropriate language in this car!

Ever since I got these moccasins, I’m a sex symbol.

Smell my underwear.  They’re delicious.

Hope you enjoyed these ridiculous quotes.  Maybe you’ll be inspired to start your own family quote book.

~Kate is currently on vacation hopefully adding more memories and quotes to the book.

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

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Here’s a look at some of the funniest moments from Coffee Break with Liz and Kate 2009. And if these are any indication of what’s to come, Coffee Break will be the place to be in 2010!

We present:

The funniest moments of Liz and Kate 2009

(Random quotes taken completely out of context, ’cause that’s how we roll here at Liz and Kate…heehee!)

“A bunch of dogs going and running and sleeping and playing, some are up, some are down, and no one likes the girl’s hat – until the very end, when they all drive to the tree and have a big party.”  (Liz’s Rants: I Hate Homework)

“Be careful what you prank about because you never know when it’s going to come back and bite you in the butt.” (Kate’s Escapades – Another ridiculous story…)

“I was going to be mowing said yard with a giant pair of scissors on wheels.It was my worst lawnmare come true.” (Liz’s Rants – Green, green grass of home…)

“They didn’t exactly eat the whole couch, but they might as well have.”  (Kate’s Escapades – The Dogs Ate My Couch!)

“I can’t even go to the restroom in peace.” (Liz’s Rants – Gotta go?)

“This may necessitate some zig zaging through the aisles because you can’t just cross off an item willy-nilly from the  end of the list.” (Kate’s Escapades – The List)

“And if you’re thinking you’ll take revenge because your cousin or brother or uncle or aunt is slithering in my trashcan as we speak, my neighbor put your scaly little friend there, not me.” (Liz’s Rants – Not in my trash can)

“This is an emergency…I’m growing a mullet.” (Kate’s Escapades – On the news a family dies…)

“I’m clueless as to how one would enter the cupcake. Maybe the icing lifts up.” (Liz’s rants – Get in your cupcake and drive)

“Oh myee heck, we wuz at the star with Cheltsie the uther day hwhen we found a ril gud sel on these gargeus mou-un peechurs.” (Kate’s Escapades – Cowboy Wannabe)

“The stare-down would have been laughable had his beady little eyes not been so… beady.” (Liz’s rants – No cat…and the mice are playing)

“I’ve secretly wanted one for years, but never had the guts to buy one for fear of being ridiculed by my fellow man.” (Kate’s Escapades – my secret yearning to Snuggie it up)

“Hold on to your toaster, folks – there’s a new national emergency.” (Liz’s rants – Leggo my Eggo)

“My mailman hates me.” (Kate’s Escapades – My Mailman Hates Me)

Hope you enjoyed our recap of some of the funniest moments on Coffee Break with Liz and Kate. Until next week, we wish you health, happiness and prosperity in the new year!

-Liz and Kate

While I found the list a bit predictable, and think with a little ingenuity the magazine could have done much better with this category, here are a couple that are worth a second look.

Remember the April earthquake in Italy that killed 300 people while thousands more were left homeless? Well, here’s what Italy’s Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, had to say:

“They should see it like a weekend of camping.” Talk about your words of comfort. Just guessing, but I have a feeling he was not among the newly homeless, don’t you?

Then there were Michael Jackson‘s words on his upcoming concert tour: “‘This is it’ really means this is it.” As we now know, truer words were never spoken…

While this one didn’t make the magazine’s cut, the words of Kate Moss certainly caused quite a stir when she declared one of her mottos to be “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Some declared that her words would affect young girls, who might be at risk of becoming bulimic or anorexic in an effort to become more like Ms. Moss and weigh in at a skin-and-bones size 0.

All I can say is if she is that much of a role model and her words will truly impact that many people, the general public needs to pick their role models much more wisely.

That’s all for today – tune in tomorrow to see what Top 10 list Kate will be ripping apart!

-Liz

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

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