Murray came into the world on Groundhog Day, 2010 and became an official member of the family just more than a week ago. Perhaps I should explain. Murray is an English bulldog.

My first meeting with Murray left me unsatisfied. I’d gone to my brother’s shop to meet him and found him sprawled out on the floor, fast asleep (the dog… not my brother).

Not to be deterred, I proceeded to join him and the floor, where I relentlessly pestered him for at least 30 minutes. Think of it much like a trip to see a new baby. You really don’t care if the new mom will be left trying to get the baby back to sleep. You’ll be long gone. All you care about is waking up that cute little baby!

Except that it didn’t work. He opened his eyes a few times and shut them just as quickly. Then he returned to snoring. I must admit, he was so cute when he was asleep.

Murray (and my brother's arm and leg)

Needless to say, I was thrilled when Michael called a couple of days ago to see if I could go over to his house and entertain the dog. Imagine my delight, when on opening his crate, he actually woke up.

Kujo... oops! I mean, uh... Murray

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mHe waddled his little butterball body to the back door, then down the steps into the backyard.

Maybe it was the feel of the green grass under his paws. Maybe it was the sun. Maybe it was all the pollen in the air. Regardless, the cute little butterball formerly known as Murray morphed into Kujo, right before my very eyes.

My sandals and toes succumbed to the first attack as the 1/8-inch razor sharp teeth chomped down on the strap’s wooden beads – occasionally missing only to bite my toes.

In the midst of my walking-on-hot-coals dance, I was able to reach one of his toys, which diverted him away from my feet for all of two seconds. Because he discovered my pant leg, and “Jaws” now had my jeans in a chokehold.

“No bite!” I told him, wondering how something so small had a jaw grip so strong.

Once I had my pant leg back, I hurried over to his food dish, where, thankfully, he took a break from his bully-ing long enough to eat.

I figured this was my chance. I’d break away long enough to gather as many toys as I could and be ready when  play commenced.

Which would’ve worked fine, had Murray not decided to employ the sneak attack.

The next few seconds were a blur as he pushed the orange ball under my feet, leaving me with two options: fall flat on my face, while doing everything possible to keep from landing on the dog or do a quick tuck and perform an air tumble over him.

I have a feeling all of you can figure out what happened next. There was no tuck and tumble.

But puppies sure are cute when they’re asleep.

-Liz

this clever way to control pet hair.  Before tossing out a pair of pantyhose that has a hole or run in it, use it to pamper your pet.  Just slip your hand in and scratch your cat or dog.  The loose hair will stick to the nylon instead of floating through the air or landing on furniture.  When you’re done, turn the nylon inside out to keep the loose hair inside, then throw out.

*Enter a comment at the bottom of this or any other post, and be automatically entered in this week’s giveaway!

One day Baby’s friend from across the street, Z, started pounding on our front door. I opened it, my first mistake.

“Where’s Baby? There’s a hurt bird out here he has to see!” Z exclaimed.

I thought ‘Boys and their desire for the Horrific.’

While Baby went outside to inspect the injured bird, I put Boomer the Basset Hound in the backyard, his Kingdom, and went out to start the truck. We had errands to run. I pulled around the corner to grab that child of mine. He and Z were watching the bird flutter around only about an inch off the ground. The poor thing would fly a foot or two and fall back to the ground. While it looked ok, it definitely wasn’t. As it was fluttering around it flapped through our chain link fence into Boomer the Basset Hound’s Kingdom.

Whatever came next couldn’t have a happy ending. Those with delicate indispositions may want to stop reading now.

Boomer the Basset Hound soon noticed the disabled bird and started barking at it. Then he opened wide and scooped it up in his mouth. The bird sure didn’t like that! He fought and Boomer the Basset Hound had to let him go. The bird fluttered frantically away from the big beast. But he wasn’t fast enough in his crippled condition. Boomer the Basset Hound barked and tried to eat the bird again. The bird fought back again and got away for a moment.

At this point I decided there was only one probable outcome and the children would be devastated that Boomer the Basset Hound could be so cruel. I put Baby in the truck and instructed his friend to go home. I blatantly lied to them and said the bird would get away but needed to be left alone. I fled the scene. I didn’t even call 911.

For several days Baby talked about how the bird got away until he discovered a dead bird in our backyard! He was distressed that Boomer the Basset Hound could do something so inhuman. I tried to explain the Circle of Life but as I looked upon his blank face I realized he’s never seen Lion King. So I related it to Secondhand Lions, his favorite movie, and that seemed to placate him. I told him:

“Boomer the Basset Hound is a real African Dog.”

Donna Hansen is a recent college grad and has her dream job, part-time Accountant. She enjoys sewing, reading, cooking, camping, traveling, blogging, and whole host of other things that she never seems to be able to fit into her busy schedule. You can find her other somewhat amusing stories at www.donnandkids.blogspot.com.

Okay, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration. They didn’t exactly eat the whole couch, but they might as well have. There is now a dinner plate-sized hole in the back cushion of my living room couch. When they decided to go on the prowl for a midnight snack  last night , they couldn’t have chosen to munch on my old,  black velvet couch in the basement…nope, they decided, instead, to snack on my nice, new tan leather couch which sits prominently in my living room. In fact, it’s the first thing you see when you come into my house. Geez.

Maybe now is a good time to give you some back story here. I have two big dogs. I never intended on having two big dogs. That sort of thing just sneaks up on you somehow.  When we had to put our little dog, Cinnamon, to sleep last year, I decided it was a good time to make our home a dog-free zone for a while. Then my daughter, Hannah, got a dog from the pound as a gift to give to her boyfriend. Turns out, the boyfriends parents were also attempting to make their house a dog free zone, and since I am easily the biggest push over around, well, his dog came to live with us. It was okay though, she was a well behaved, good dog.  Until she got pregnant and had 8 (yes – EIGHT! puppies) We decided to keep one of them because they were just so darn cute. When you already have dog, what’s one more, right?  (Wow! Maybe it’s that kind of thinking that caused me to end up with 7 kids.)  Here’s the thing, when you have 9 people in your family, the chances of coming to a unanimous decision on anything is nearly impossible.  We were torn between two of the puppies, and soon my family fell in love with both of them.  And this is  how I came to have two big dogs (and their mother) living in my dog-free zone.  Two dogs, mind you, that have eaten more than their fair share of flip flops and forgotten Happy Meal toys.

So…back to the story…I woke up this morning, just like every other morning, to make my husband a lunch to take to work.  I went into the kitchen and the dogs were cowering under the table – never a good sign. I went to investigate and when I got to the living room,  I saw a sight which struck terror into my heart.  The floor was covered in white fluff, so much white fluff that it looked like snow covering the floor, all  around the couch.  I knew this was going to be bad.  And there it was, a huge gaping hole in my leather couch.

Let me just tell you at this point in the story, my husband is not exactly a dog lover.  He is barely a dog-putter-upper-wither.  You should know this, as I will use this in my defense later in this story.

I knew that if I wanted the dogs to live through the day, I was going to have to take quick action.  I scooped up the fluff,  stuffed it back into the hole in the couch, grabbed a blanket and threw it over the back of the couch, hoping my husband wouldn’t notice as he passed by the living room on his way out the door to work.  I prefer not to think of this as lying, but as more of an act of mercy…an attempt to keep the dogs alive, if you will.

Well, I have now spent a good portion of the day trying to repair the couch, before you-know-who gets home from work.  I cut a piece of leather out of  the bottom of one of the seat cushions, and have sewn it into the hole.  It looks okay really, it you turn off the lights and close the curtains.  Perhaps tonight would be a good night to go out to dinner and a late movie, preferably one that gets out after dark.  Geez.

~Kate

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

Want to submit your own story to be considered for the Guest Headline post to run on Friday’s????  Just send your story to: lizandkate@live.com and check back on Friday to see if your story was selected.