So until then, here’s a favorite post from Liz’s Rants from way back in the old days before our website was actually a website to keep you entertained. – Kate

Liz’s Rants…I hate homework

Remember when you were in first grade? Those were good times – at least for me. Hard work meant choosing between the lilac or hot pink crayon.

My, how things change. Flash forward to 2009 and my son Colton’s first grade class.

The assignment was straightforward, stapled to a massive 11-by-17 sheet of paper, folded in half. In honor of Dr. Seuss, each child was asked to pick their favorite author, draw a picture of him or her and write a brief biography on the inside pages. The front “cover” was to be a drawing of one of the author’s books. The back “cover” was for a summary of the book. I’d be willing to bet Colton doesn’t even know what a book summary is – let alone how to write one. On the due date, each child would present their report for the class.

The easiest part was picking the author. Dr. Seuss was a shoe-in. The book of choice was a classic – Go, Dog, Go.

Now in the minds of seven-year-old boys, I’d venture a guess that having to write not one, but two pages of words is the equivalent of having to sit with the girls in the lunchroom. It’s a prison sentence. Hands down.

We began the battle that was this assignment with the book summary. Colton wrote while I searched for a picture of Dr. Seuss that he could use for reference. Thirty minutes later, he had filled the back page with highlights from the book, such as “The yellow dog pulled the blue dog and the red dog was walking in and out and they didn’t like her hat.” Not bad, but not a book summary – which is when it hit me: was there really a point to this classic children’s book?

I mean, seriously. What did it mean? A bunch of dogs going and running and sleeping and playing, some are up, some are down, and no one likes the girl’s hat – until the very end, when they all drive to the tree and have a big party. Did they have alcoholic beverages up in that tree? Is that why the girl dog’s hat suddenly becomes vogue?

By now, Colton was in tears with the realization that many of his words, so painstakingly written over all that time were about to vanish into the head of an eraser.

I assured him as best I could that we’d find some way to fix the summary, and encouraged him to turn his attention to the biography. He’d written three sentences on Dr. Seuss, when, for some unexplained reason, I realized something I wished I hadn’t: Dr. Seuss didn’t write Go, Dog, Go. P.D. Eastman did.

This is where I admit that it would have been really easy to pass off Dr. Seuss as the author – moreover, the thought not only crossed my mind, I actually debated it over the course of three or four seconds, if for no other reason than to put an end to Colton’s meltdown that was at full throttle.

I stood in the kitchen coming up with plan B, listening to Colton cry about having to erase everything on the author page and wondered if his tears were falling on the pages. “Here’s your tear-stained report,” I wanted to say to his teacher. “Yes, I know the pages are blank, but if you’ll look closely, you’ll see all those words that were erased. I hope you’re happy.”

Instead, I went to my office to see what I could learn about Mr. Eastman, hoping I’d be able to find a picture of him, too. Turns out, Mr. Eastman was often confused as being Dr. Seuss (see? I probably coulda pulled it off…). His biography was going to be dramatically shorter. Besides being one of the Dr. Seuss book writers, he also worked for Walt Disney. That was about the size of it.

Anywho, but by the grace of God, the report was finished by 6:30. He’d trudged through even after having to re-write the biography and re-work the book summary. He’d done a great job.After dinner, Colton practiced giving his report. “…P.D. Eastman also worked for Mickey Mouse,” Colton said.

Stranger things have been said, I thought. So I just smiled.

~Liz

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

Want to submit your own story to be considered for the Guest Headline post to run on Fridays?  Just let us know at lizandkate@live.com.

Okay, so maybe that is a slight exaggeration. They didn’t exactly eat the whole couch, but they might as well have. There is now a dinner plate-sized hole in the back cushion of my living room couch. When they decided to go on the prowl for a midnight snack  last night , they couldn’t have chosen to munch on my old,  black velvet couch in the basement…nope, they decided, instead, to snack on my nice, new tan leather couch which sits prominently in my living room. In fact, it’s the first thing you see when you come into my house. Geez.

Maybe now is a good time to give you some back story here. I have two big dogs. I never intended on having two big dogs. That sort of thing just sneaks up on you somehow.  When we had to put our little dog, Cinnamon, to sleep last year, I decided it was a good time to make our home a dog-free zone for a while. Then my daughter, Hannah, got a dog from the pound as a gift to give to her boyfriend. Turns out, the boyfriends parents were also attempting to make their house a dog free zone, and since I am easily the biggest push over around, well, his dog came to live with us. It was okay though, she was a well behaved, good dog.  Until she got pregnant and had 8 (yes – EIGHT! puppies) We decided to keep one of them because they were just so darn cute. When you already have dog, what’s one more, right?  (Wow! Maybe it’s that kind of thinking that caused me to end up with 7 kids.)  Here’s the thing, when you have 9 people in your family, the chances of coming to a unanimous decision on anything is nearly impossible.  We were torn between two of the puppies, and soon my family fell in love with both of them.  And this is  how I came to have two big dogs (and their mother) living in my dog-free zone.  Two dogs, mind you, that have eaten more than their fair share of flip flops and forgotten Happy Meal toys.

So…back to the story…I woke up this morning, just like every other morning, to make my husband a lunch to take to work.  I went into the kitchen and the dogs were cowering under the table – never a good sign. I went to investigate and when I got to the living room,  I saw a sight which struck terror into my heart.  The floor was covered in white fluff, so much white fluff that it looked like snow covering the floor, all  around the couch.  I knew this was going to be bad.  And there it was, a huge gaping hole in my leather couch.

Let me just tell you at this point in the story, my husband is not exactly a dog lover.  He is barely a dog-putter-upper-wither.  You should know this, as I will use this in my defense later in this story.

I knew that if I wanted the dogs to live through the day, I was going to have to take quick action.  I scooped up the fluff,  stuffed it back into the hole in the couch, grabbed a blanket and threw it over the back of the couch, hoping my husband wouldn’t notice as he passed by the living room on his way out the door to work.  I prefer not to think of this as lying, but as more of an act of mercy…an attempt to keep the dogs alive, if you will.

Well, I have now spent a good portion of the day trying to repair the couch, before you-know-who gets home from work.  I cut a piece of leather out of  the bottom of one of the seat cushions, and have sewn it into the hole.  It looks okay really, it you turn off the lights and close the curtains.  Perhaps tonight would be a good night to go out to dinner and a late movie, preferably one that gets out after dark.  Geez.

~Kate

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

Want to submit your own story to be considered for the Guest Headline post to run on Friday’s????  Just send your story to: lizandkate@live.com and check back on Friday to see if your story was selected.