Liz’s Rants: Paper or plastic?

This is truly an experience that, had it not been for my desire to purchase a Star Wars-themed tablecloth for my son’s birthday, would never have occurred.

I’m really not a tablecloth girl. Primarily because the ones I’m willing to pay for are usually vinyl, and I’m not industrious enough to make my own. Rarely (Christmas would likely be the exception) do I find a premade table covering made of real, uh, cloth, that I like.

And I wouldn’t have been searching for a Star Wars tablecloth had I not been desperate to come up with additional decorations for the party. (In retrospect, I should have called Kate…)But for one day I figured I could suck it up and just get a paper one.

Except I couldn’t find one. Oh I found Star Wars tablecloths. But they were all plastic. You know what I’m talking about, the kind that are so plastic-y slick that they slink and slither and slide around in the package which contains them at the store. If they can’t stay in place in the bag in which they’re packaged, how would one ever presume they could stay on a kitchen table? And Heaven forbid your party’s outside. Someone would be wearing the tablecloth with the first decent breeze.

Or imagine a night on the town, where, after a few too many, the group show-off decides to dance on the table. OK, so that could be a way to end the belligerents table dancing – at least momentarily. But that’s the only upside I can find.

Figuring I was far from alone in my distaste for plastic tablecloths, I continued my search for paper, going as far as to reason that if nothing else, I’d buy one in a solid color and call it a day.

Five stores later, I’d found three Star Wars tablecloths and every solid color under the sun. Every one of them was plastic.

I finally pulled out all the stops and went to yet another party supply store on the other end of town, figuring their selection would offer just about anything I could ask for. After searching through every tablecloth I could find, I approached a store clerk with my dilemma.

“We have the same problem at our church socials,” she said. “Now everyone knows if they bring the tablecloth, they have to bring the clips, too.”

WHAT?

I couldn’t believe it. It seemed as if the tablecloth industry had turned their backs not only on me, but on everything we hold sacred. Yet, for no reason than to put a smile on a soon-to-be 8-year-old’s face, I broke down and purchased the stupid plastic tablecloth. And since I had the choice, I didn’t settle for black. I went for the Star Wars theme. (That’ll show ‘em…)

When I got home, I decided to do a quick search (I had a birthday party to plan, after all) to see if it’s possible to even order a paper tablecloth.

Apparently not – unless you want to have it shipped from Europe. I’m not saying they don’t exist in the United States (although I’m betting they no longer do), I’m just saying it appears they don’t exist without great (and I do mean great…) effort.

Obviously, the same people who took over the tablecloth industry are also the people who sent paper grocery bags to their doom. Yet we are regularly lectured by the save the planet police about the evils of plastic grocery bags.

Who can say double standards? I know I can.

And when the Clone Wars cake and Jango Fett juice slide off the tablecloth, I can also say, “Don’t look at me…”

-Liz

Enjoy your Coffee Break!

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