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There seems to be a growing phenomenon in my city – one that highly disturbs me, quite frankly. What is this new fad that has my head spinning? Outside furniture.

No, I’m not talking about a nice patio set or a pair of wooden rocking chairs gracing the deck or porch. I’m talking about furniture that’s outside. As in upholstered furniture. As in it belongs in the living room or family room, people!

Picture this oddity that I spotted several weeks ago: A house with a large tree stump in the front yard. On top of said tree stump? A recliner, covered with genuine imitation zebra fur. Yes, I realize I should have taken a photo right then and there, but I didn’t. Frankly, I was too embarrassed to be seen stopping there.

Flash forward to this weekend, when I was running a few errands and spotted some man napping on a love seat under a tree.

What’s wrong with people? I mean it! This is no longer rhetorical! What’s wrong with people??

Fine. I realize there is likely no quick answer coming. So let’s talk about what’s wrong with inside furniture that finds its way outdoors. First, it’s just wrong on the surface. As in the “you might be a redneck if…” doesn’t even apply here. It’s worse than that.

Second, it has rained here for two evenings in a row. We’re talking torrential downpours, people. Sit on your indoor furniture outside and your butt’s gonna get wet.

Third, once the rain stops, what choice does that couch or recliner have but to grow black mold and the fungus among us? I mean it!

Fourth, imagine what a critter haven that piece of furniture suddenly becomes! The rats will love it. They’ll think they’ve gone to rat condo heaven. Won’t that be fantastic? I won’t even bother with other creatures of the wild – it’s simply too much for me to bear.

Okay, maybe I will go there. Picture it. Some total freakazoid just lost his pet boa, which just happens to find your outdoor retreat, now plentiful with rats. Are you kidding me? There you are, sitting on the recliner on a stump, sitting in full couch potato position, almost asleep, when the snake tires of rat-chasing for the day and decides to venture out into the sunlight to uh, sun.

You know what’s coming. Paramedics, the resuscitation efforts, the heart attack and of course a clean pair of shorts. At any rate, it won’t be pretty.

With no further ado, I must present exhibit A. Yes it is suspended from a tree, so the boa and rats will be forced to jump in. Nevertheless, you’ve been warned.


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