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Coffee Break with Liz and Kate » Headline, »

I typically sort through several hundred emails each day, and I’ve gotten pretty good at prioritizing them – knowing which ones I can mark to read later, which ones need immediate attention, and which can simply be deleted without a second glance.

While my mail server is generally pretty good at weeding out junk mail, I still look in that folder too. Just like humans, computers screw up too (one man’s junk is another man’s treasure, if you will).

For the most part, the junk mail is fairly typical, usually involving promises of body enhancements, heehee. But one email in particular caught my attention the other day: “Know your future now.”

I’ll play, I thought. I clicked on the link, where I learned that psychics were standing by, waiting on my call for some bizarre rate of 10 bucks an hour. (Clearly, these were the real psychics – the ones with crystal balls and all.)

I figured if they can see the future, so can I. To that end, I’d like to save all you readers from spending your hard-earned cash, so I’ve decided to give you this week’s horoscopes, right here – for free. (Please hold the applause.) Let’s jump right in:

Aries: You are being called on to lead the way. But you may want to stop and ask for directions.

Taurus: You can be very bull-headed. Try not to get into an argument you can’t win, and watch out for the color red.

Gemini: You may have inner struggles this week, until you realize you have a split personality.

Cancer: You will be crabby all week. Avoid confrontations.

Leo: There’s no use roaring about it. You need to comb that mane of yours at some point. You could really use a haircut.

Virgo: This is your week to save the world – or maybe save a cat stuck in a tree. Don’t let us down.

Libra: You will try to make a decision. It won’t be easy. You will decide to decide later.

Scorpio: You will think you have all of life’s answers. Then the questions will change.

Sagittarius: You will decide to use your bow and arrow to play cupid, until you realize that Valentine’s Day is still several weeks away. Then you will be bored.

Capricorn: You will build grand structures that reach to the sky. Then, being the mountain goat you are, you will climb them.

Aquarius: You will have quite a cocky attitude this week, and justify it by singing “Age of Aquarius.”

Pisces: You will feel like a fish out of water this week.

Let me know how well these horoscopes fit you this week. Heck, I may have just found a new line of work…


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